April
27
Week 31- 100 Word Challenge- By Jess
Fingers of witches, charred from burning on hay, grabbed at the moon and vampires begged it to stay: it was their time now- the time of nightmares; horror; death.
As Tithonus awoke insects with jagged and stiff legs; bulbous pedipalps; dripping venom they crawled their way to the surface. They were no longer content with their under-ground homes deep down with the roots.
And just as everything was about to glow red and green a scent of human caught the air and the attention of the nightmarish creatures. Standing to attention, alert and almost smiling they advanced ever hungry.
Super gruesome description Jess. That tree has certainly encouraged a real depth of vocabulary in your writing (maybe influenced too by Evernight?)
Re-read your first sentence of paragraph 2; did Tithonus waken the insects? You need to edit your punctuation here as you have not got a complete sentence before your semi-colon. I’m not quite sure how to read this paragraph.
Fingers of witches, charred from burning on hay, grabbed at the moon and vampires begged it to stay: it was their time now- the time of nightmares; horror; death.
As Tithonus awoke from his slumber and clicked his long-grey fingers insects with jagged and stiff legs; bulbous pedipalps; dripping venom they crawled their way to the surface. They were no longer content with their under-ground homes deep down with the roots.
Everything was about to glow red, a scent caught the air and of-course the attention of the nightmarish creatures. Standing to attention, alert and almost smiling they advanced hungrily.
Is this better? I changed ands as well as the first sentence second paragraph to wahat I think is a full sentence before the semi-colon?
I hope this is better!
The AS at the start of the sentence means you have created a subordinate clause – which then would need a comma rather than a semi-colon after it.
eg As Tithonus awoke from his slumber and clicked his long grey fingers, insects with jagged and stiff legs, bulbous pedipalps and dripping venom crawled their way to the surface.
or remove the AS
Tuthonus awoke from his slumber and clicked his long grey fingers; bulbous pedipalps, dripping venom, crawled their way to the surface.
I think that both suggestions retain your original meaning- let me know what you think
My wife looked over my shoulder as I was reading this and said, “Wow, this is amazing writing!”(She is not used to the high standard of work at Stone.)Proper spooky, Jess. However, I’m not a great fan of ‘ands’, so I would challenge you to reduce the number in the last paragraph.
Looking forward to more fantastic posts.
You’ve painted a pretty horrific scene Jess!I am impressed that you found out about the parts of a spider’s body – that made it extra gruesome. Did you make a choice over Mrs Murrin’s suggestions – either way remember to tighten up on that punctuation – I admit it is a tricky job!